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April 19 Two Pixiesplease turn on music and video
 TWO PIXIES
****
Two Pixies on a Christmas tree
Looked down and rather glum
"It`s boring hanging from this branch
It`s time we had some fun"
So they climbed up to the angel
Next to a silver bell
And proceeded with a chorus
From the carol called noel
 .The robin red chirped up "be still"
"Can`t you pixies see
The little baby Jesus
Is asleep beneath the tree".
They looked at one another
And they gave a wicked smile
"We`re really gonna have some fun
For a little while"
So they started the cattle lowing
The baby did awake
They heard the wisemen shouting
"Oh for goodness sake!!!
The lambs they started bleating!
The sheep jumped from their fleece
The donkey brayed "We came in here"
To get some blooming peace".
Joseph jumped up quickly
And stepped on Mary`s toes
She yelled in shock and anger
and punched a wiseman on his nose
The wisemans nose was bleeding
But the ox was there at hand
He lifted the baby from his crib
and stole his swaddling bands.
The lights were flashing on and off
To show their anger too
And Rudolph chased ole Santa
And hit him with a shoe
The baby in the manger shouted with a sob
"Shut up you blooming heatherns!!!
Or I will have a word with God.
I shall only pass this way but once
I never will again
So take heed of what I say
Goodwill and peace to men
As things settled around the tree
With not a single sound to hear
The faery waved her magic wand
and wished the world a Happy New Year.
©
s gray
How Daft Is That?How Daft Is That?
Hey Gladys can yer see me glasses
I had them a while ago?
I put the chuffers down for a sec
Because I had to go.
I left em on the table
next to the chuffin light
I bet they`re there
down side of chair
So I searched with all me might.
I pulled out some frilly britches
and a dilapitated bra
and a rather old piece of paper money
that brought memories from afar
I found a silver threepenny bit
And a florin of the past
and a couple of great big penny coins
yes they were made to last.
A tanner next was brought to sight
and a fag as stale as hell
and a packet of caps that didn`t explode
and a dead spider that made me yell
I stumbled on so many things
in my treasure chest that day
I spent 4 hours a searching
and couldn`t pull away.
Gladys said dad `you are a mad un`
and yer brain it must be dead
`cos those glasses you were looking for
Are sittin on yer head
but so glad I lost them for a while
and memories came to pass
and me glasses sat upon me head
I` feel a right silly arse
Now I`ve a scab on back of hand
And my fingers swollen and fat
All because I lost me glasses
Tell me `How Daft is That`?
©
sylvia gray April 14 Give Me PeaceGive me Peace
~~~~~~~
I was taking a stroll without me Master
Not clapped up in lead and chains
Then a noise it drove me crackers
And it nearly blew me brains.
Hey You!!! I started barking
"Give me a peaceful stroll"!!
I started out all happy
Now I`m feeling kinda droll".
Noisy bugger! `nuff to wake the dead
Get real and give us a break
And let me walk in peace dear man
and Calm for goodness sake.
And as I walked away from him
as he stopped to voice defend
I said "and peeece on you sir"
My noisy human friend.
©copyright
sylvia gray The Lovely Haze Of Summer DaysThe Lovely Haze of Summer Days
___________
 What is this thing with summerThat people think so nice,
Why dont they forget the birds and bees
We always pay the price.....
 With crying kids that fight all day
and barking bloody dogs
And people lighting bonfires
 There most unrespectful sodsMe washing hanging on the line
All bleached and looking fine
Then up blows smoke like Indians....
 They do it all the time
And Old Joe blogs who lives next door
Who I really think is queer
He loves to shout so at his wife
Because he dont have no beer.....
 And all the cats that walk the streets
 In my garden park their arseAnd doing what comes naturally
Just when I want to mow the grass.
And bloody workman shifting gravel
to make there driveway nice
I told them to skidaddle
Because the noise is deafening and aint nice.
 And what about those ice cream vans
That tinkle all the day with lots of
Screaming children following in its way.
And lawnmowers grinding up the grass
And drills that make you cringe
Like scraping chalk on old blackboard
Our peaceful rights infringe...
 I think I`ll shut my windows
as smoke is is coming in
And start dreaming of those cosy nights
 That only winter can bring.... ©
sylvia gray
April 13 Me Ded EdMe Dead `ead
________________
eeeeeee lads und lasses it`s great `t be back
I was sleepin like forever and forgot the blooming knack
What ever it were it n`er killed me
Might as well been dead
Nothing much was working not even in me head
But the doc he came and put me right
`t tablets are jus` fine
I thought I caught this avian flu
but no wings could i find
But me leg was dead and my feet were too
And doc took one look and said what are we to do.
Now I`m flying high and strong
`t tablts are just fine
I am on the way `t fitness now
And am feeling back in line.
©
sylvia gray April 12 Bertha`s Last Word Bertha`s Last Word
________
I really think you`re brave son
Living on the streets
With tramps a druggy vagabonds
stealing boots from off ya feet.
And pinching bag from under head
Is really is a shame
But you chose to wonder far and wide
Only got ya self to blame.
I bet ya heads all clogged with lice
and you smell just like a skunk
You beg just like a hungry dog
and your head is always drunk
So if the sally army has offered you a bed
I think tomorrow morning
They gonna wake up dead.
Ya feet are caked with dead skin
`cos you suffer athletes foot
And still ya chew your toe nails
and ya teeth are black like soot
And ya clothes are from the ragbag
that the people all discard
And yes the life that you are living
must be very hard
Just get off in the shower and wash ya body down
and get rid of all those nits and things
Or your mates wont stay around
They dont wanna cage a polecat that stinks of
body grime
And I am glad you have chose the high life
Rather yours than mine!
So I`m glad your feeling happy
At the life that you have chose
I bet your muggin old folk
To keep living I suppose
But goodbye son I say to you
Dont forget to peel ya feet
My home is so much fresher now
That you live on the street.
©
sylvia gray April 11 Carumba!Carumbbbbbba!!!
(working on the lancashire dialect)
I went into `t `ospital
`t have a bum boil drained
but`t nurses in `t `ospital
They are a tad deranged
`tis a bit like running marathon
quite easy `jus for sum
But `t nurses keep a chasing me
`T stick needle up me bum.
I told `er I`m no pin cushion
`tis `er who`s wasting time
`er chased me round `t`bloody wards
`till i nearly lost me mind
I said thee will not catch me
So I slipped `er double quick
`Er must think that I were born las` week
`t pull that kind of trick.
I `id in cleaning cupboard
and put `t bucket on me `ed
I`wud rather suffocate me sel`
I would rather end up dead.
All went silent for a while
So I made me get away
`er came running `round `t` corner
So I ran `t other way
er caught me with me kegs down
in `t lavvy in `t gents
and I swear she bent`t needle
`cos `t pain was so immense
Now `t other one is painful
and `t nurse I `cud not foil
I `ave two that look identical
For `that nasty nurse `t spoil.
©
s gray April 09 Ode To TerryODE to Terry Wogan
 a pam ayers sound alike poem
_______________________
I like Terry Wogan and always have
Right from the program "lets fight the flab".
Remember those days when he was flat on the floor
When his fat was high and his fitness was poor
Laugh? I laughed till I dropped
As he cracked each joke and never stopped
My belly muscles they really got tight
With laughing so much as the flab I did fight.
Could do it in those days when Terry was around
But its getting so much harder, now older I found
But his eyes have a sparkle it`s the Irish in him
If he wasn`t married he ould give me a spin
 Oh I stand up to Terry with his so Irish charms
While he was doing his press ups and swinging his arms
He got us all thin when workouts he did
Better than going to gym and it saved a few quid
Oh Terry my love what happened to you
To much booze and too much Irish stew
But the sparkley eyes they stay just the same
Lets all get back to the slimming game.
With you on the floor, what a grand ole site
As you flexed your muscles, to get them all right
I have tried Mr Hitleman for yoga thats true
But shall never forget the unforgettable you.
© sylvia gray Dancing The LambadaHarry`s Little Dog
________________
Harry`s got a little dog
It`s coat is black and brown
It has roly poly wrinkles
on it`s face that looks like frowns
It`s eyes are like a bloodhounds
and it resembles little Pug
To require such an ugly doggie
Makes my shoulders want to shrug.
His name they say is Enoch
he leaves a doggy trail
As his body`s like a sausage
and he has a funny tail.
Now Enoch was out walkies
with Harry on a lead
And he spotted a big red letterbox
and cocked his leg and peed
Now screams were heard and Enoch jumped
As a woman in red appeared
and kicked young Enoch up the rump
and then she disappeared.
The moral of this story is one I shall not tell
but dont dress like a letterbox
or you`ll get wet as well.
©
sylvia gray April 08 Jock The CockJOCK the COCK
~~~~~~~
I is running to get away from them
The farmer and his wife
They want to stuff me full of things
So I is running for me life!!!
They made me bed up in the oven
Just to keep me warm.
They think I is a cocky bird
And I is daft since I been born
But this old cock is clever
His IQ is quite high
I know this farmer and his wife
Wanna put me in a pie.
So they will have to try a catch me
As I will run them ragged till nearly dead
Why dont they just stop chasing me
And eat the dog instead.?
©copyright
sylvia gray Lavender Cats BallThe Lavender Cats Ball
--------------
The Gals at angry oldies
went out to have a meet,
The night was passing beautiful
As the ring was made complete.
They chuckled oh so merrily
They laughed until they dropped
Their laughter rang around the town
And it never bloody stopped.
The cops were called and set the scene
5 drunks were taken in
The women swore at the coppers
and said our patience is wearing thin.
Just let us girls have some fun
And please leave us alone
Go out and chase the robbers
`cos we aint going home.!
The coppers looked and thought awhile
while scratching at their head
We`ll let you old age pensioners go
If you promise to go bed
Not on your Nelly Magsy said
What do you take us for?
And up stepped Bet with smile on face
As she sauntered through the door.
"What `ave we `ere"? the copper said
As she was dressed in feather boah
Said Jessie on a cheerful note
"Do you wanna see some more?"
In walks Vee with devil look
Dressed in soft black leather
with long black boots and menacing whip
You could have knocked `em over with a feather.
And Sylvi laughed to see their face
And couldn`t hold it anymore
She had to let her draws down
And she p***** upon the floor.
Such hearty fun the ladies had
That they all fell in a heap
In the the place where all the coppers were
They all fell fast asleep.
So quietness dawned for just a while
And peace fell on the men
Until the cock was crowing
Then they all started up again.
@ sylvia gray Lavender Gals Party THE LAVENDER GALSCHRISTMAS PARTY***********
Oh what a night the ladies had
At a wonderful Christmas Party
They drunk each under the table
They were fun filled , happy and hearty.
They were dancing mad and drunk as hell
As they had many, many, a dance
They tried to jitterbug the night away
But they didn`t have a chance.
Vee got picked to have a dance
But her man was rather small
And Ann was rather tiny but her man was rather tall
So they swapped in mid dance a jitterbug
There footing not very stable
Poor Vee let go of partners hand
and went flying up the table.
Fran just laughed and couldn`t stop
The others did as well
The glasses smashed just everywhere
It was when her partner fell
And Bet just watched in disbelief
Tears running down her face
  And Jess just stood a giggling at the site of
Silvi`s face
A fight broke out it was alive
It was a free for all
The cops they came in dozens
To this Lavender Ladies Ball
The cops returned once again
And didnt they recognise
The gals from Angry Oldies
"Well What a big surprise"
What `ave we `ere` the copper said
I know I know ya face
You ought to be ashamed because
You are a big disgrace
On yer Bike Vee told them get lost
and dont be here
WE are having our Christmas Party
That comes just once a year.
©
s gray Set `T`Bugger FreeSet `t` Bugger Free
_____
The angry hardened looking face
As cross as cross can be
Is what ole Barney married
Rather `im than me.
When first they met they walked on air
But the promise was to stick
The promise of no strings attached
Now doesn``t it make ya sick.
All the strings are many now
That Bridie has in tow
If I were `im I would get away
But which way can he go?
If any `ave some scissors
Then set ole Barney free
Like I said once before
Rather `im than me.
Set `t` bugger free ma lad
Set `t` bugger free
As I said it twice before
Rather `im` than me.
©
s gray April 07 Barney O`Brien
BARNEY OBRIEN
_______
Barney was an oirish man
He lived in DonegalHe loved to have a little drinkand always had a ball.
He loved to eye the ladies
who always had their sayBut found his poor woife Bridie
always got in the way. (chorus)
singing hi de hi and fiddle dee dee
He was an oirish rovereach time he opened up the door
his woife she pulled him over
Each sunday on the same old dot
The bar door swung open wideand there was Barney on a stool
with a young pretty coleen by his side
Now listen here poor Bridie saidYa egit just you listen
all our bairns are bare footedand food they are a missing.
singing hi de hi and fiddle dee dee
he was an oirish rovereach time he opened up the doorhis woife she pulled him over
17 bairns they`r needing fed and they all are needing shoes
so stop ya galavanting
and stop filling up on booze
ya dinners in the oven
and the bairns are waiting thereSo you can throw them all the bones
for all of them to share.
singin hi de hi and fiddle dee deehe was an oirish rover
each time he opened up the doorhis woife she pulled him over
Well the girls they moved so very fast
they said that he was bad
to congregate in public houseWith all the bairns he had
so they left him sitting on his stool
the man was all alone
he turned to all his drinking pals
and said I`m going gnome.
Alas no bairns did he possess
but his woife was there at handto stop the man from straying
from off the marital land
But she made him feel so very bad
as not lower could he stoopbut Barney knew this was not so
As he was stuck with brewers droop
singing hi de hi and fiddle dee dee
he was an oirish rovereach time he opened up the door
His woife she pulled him over
©
sylvia grayHelp The Aged ValentineBy SYLVIANNE Help The Aged Valentine
~~~~~~~
Come sweet love sit beside me
Share my heart this special day
Empty vacant is my love seat
All my lovers flown away.
In my garden are many thistles
Weeds that choke the beauty rose
Share my heart for just one day
And see the flower
As she grows.
Youth has left me in the summer
Slim and fair has all gone wrong
Too much cake and yorkshire pudding
Where has all my beauty gone?
Though my heart is full of dreams
And flesh has settled where once was thin
I pray the Lord for just today
Will let me fit back in my skin.
Like cinderella with her glass shoes
I am changed into a queen
Thank you Lord for helping me
To try and find my long lost dream.
Dancing back into my young years
Showing times that were such fun
Lost in dreams of love and caring
Full of laughter, smiles and sun.
Coming back into reality
All that dancing made me freak
The spirit in my soul is willing
But bones in body are frail and week
Think Ill stay in warm by fire
Cup of cocoa in my hand
Feel I am in too much comfort
Being old is rather grand
GIZZA KISS FER VALENTINES DAY!!!
love Big Bertha xxxxx
©
s gray I Must Rest Me FeetI Must Rest me Feet
_______________
I walked 10 miles this morning
And me feet are nearly dead
I have bunions on my big toe
and corns upon me head
I cartwheeled across the country
and got callouses on me hands
and got gout upon my fingers
and I can barely stand.
A seat I found and rested
and my heart was going thud
and as I stood to make a movement
I slipped upon the mud
My knickers got a soaking
In the puddles on the ground
and am like a headless chicken
just running round and round.
My teeth they fell from out my mouth
and were chattering on the floor
and me leg that`s artificial
went walking through the door
I think i`ve had enough today
I am feeling kind of beat
Please dont keep me any longer
`cos I must rest me feet.
©
sylvia gray My Favourite PoetMY POETIC IDOL
_________________
pam ayers
She makes me laugh she doo`s
From the top of me `ed to me shoes
When her tongue it do flickers
I wet me knickers
And hysterics they sense I do lose.
I watch her as she start to recite
And tears and me laughter do fight
To keep me from fallin`
And rollin` and bawlin`
And chokun` the rest of the night
she`s the best is our Pammy to me
When I see her I jump up with glee
There aint no competiton
It`s just recognition
She`s someone I`d just love to see.
©
s gray
sylvia gray A Visit To The DentistThe Dentist
________
I`m goin` to `t`dentist today
and me tum` `is` `avin` ta pay
I`ts shoutin`` and groanin`
And it wont stop it`s moanin`
Feel so wobbly I can`t think wot ta say.
It`s t` sound of `t` drill that is shrill
Oh I wish they cud give me a pill
To put me ta sleep
While in me mouth `ave a peep
And count teggies that they want ta fill.
I `ave to put up wi` it I suppose
while I count all `t` hairs up `is nose
But I feel oh so daft
And brek wi` hysterical laff
And feel cramp creepin` in ta me toes.
Then tha ` lady that stands by `is side
with t` thing that suction she tries ta``ide
To get all of `t` bits
Wot `t` drill always spits
und all`t` spittin` I cant abide.
So after t` visit is over
I will go ta `t` pub called The Rover
I`ll `knock back a sherry
and make meself merry
`und thank goodness `t` damn thing is over.
©
s gray |
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